So for the past 24 hrs..... I prepared for leaving this confine of my own 4 walls...
I showered and felt a moment of the fresh day move through me like a calm consistant incoming wave....
When I approached the mirror...
I could still see a weathered
person looking back at me....my goodness....so much work to be done to beautify this tortured face today....So.....it was time to remove some of the past few days....or alternatively cover up some of what I could see and feel...
I needed to be gone with my putrid revolting sweat soaked trickies I had actually lived in like a boagan...
I chose something nice to venture outside the four walls.with...in hope my current engulphed body wouldn't allow the outside world to see its truths....
I prettied myself with jewelery ....makeup and even struggled with my pain and energies to spend time on my hair...
Now it was time as to work out how to get to the OT appointment....so readers may not know...since my last stay in hospital....I have been unable to drive my car...it's been about four weeks now...
My weakness in my left side is significant.....my hands become fatigue and pain regulary overtakes them....and I now have a small tremor in my hands.....a huge thanks to Fibromyalgia for this prize!! Or whatever other condition is currently lurking.So awaiting the nasty letter from vic roads to state..." your license is cancelled"..... Not fun! But only until further OT assessments and possible modifications to my car?
So....the transport issue is this..... Where I live is approx 15 min walk from the bus stops....the land is sloped and for any other healthy person would be doable...
For me this is not and option....I'm steadily pacing the amount I walk....(as directed) but my Fibro visitor is relentless and would absolutely take advantage of me doing this walk....I
would only be half way to the bus stop and he would appear...sending instant pain shooting throughout my body....it would actually stop me in my tracks....and he would love to also lather me me with an overall body fatigue....lf I was brave enough to tackle this walk there would be then another at the other end.....
And then another two more for the trip home....my Fibro visitor would surely be laughing in my face.....as he overtook my body....it would lead to yet.... another trip to hospital....
I'm not going there....Ha Ha so today I will laugh at my unwanted fibro visitor and this will assist in keeping him at bay a little. Longer.... My win!!
I am fortunately gifted with gorgeous daughters who offers to do the trips with me...
By this time of the day I am fighting back the notable presence of my unwanted visitor....I am so naseaus still from withdrawal.....
And am still also dashing regular to the toilet with the persistent cramping attacking my gut....
So I'm at the OT who goes over the whole assessment process....it sounds long and scary....and to be honest everything will be swinging on it....
I absolutely love my work....it kind of defines who and what I am....and it brings satisfaction....forfilment. And the unknown to me each day......love....love ...
Love what I do....
I work for an amazing non for profit organization Noahs Ark...
And I am an Inclusion Support Facilitator Team Leader.... And have a small team. Here consisting of 4. And another team member sitting in swanhill and another in mildura....
We play a consulting role....and visit all commonwealth funded early childhood services across our region....our region is quiet large geographically and the dynamics of each area significantly different...
We support children with additional needs....Indigenous children....refugee children....High support children....
Our role is go visit the services....meet with the Educators and support with strategies...resources....training...and funding if necessary for additional workers to provide that additional support for the care environment.
The Educators often utilize us as their sounding board when they are struggling emotionally with their daily struggles...around....how to implement change.... Work with extreme behaviours...how to arrange specialized equipment....
Guidance around sexual or physical abuse....and many other environmental factors...and these are just some of the things my day may bring during my work day...
I feel gifted to have a role that makes a difference in the day of a child's life....and feel how lucky I am to work with also a larger team of amazing passionate people so warm and kind.....
So that's my work life in a nutshell shell....and you can see why I'm so passionate about it....and why the importance of my lisence is so huge at this time...
Damn Fibromyalgia..allways getting in the way of plans....
Well the evening soon arrived and my legs began that strange thing again...
The withdrawal thing.....the buzzing....humming.....and moving.....of a life force of its own.....in my legs! The night was very restless with many wakefulness periods of scattered thought....it was as if I was watching this madness in front of me.....and I couldn't stop it...
Thoughts and images came thick and fast....something like this...
It began with the physically feeling in my legs....which led to...
What will I try...hmmmmmm. The corks in my bed.... The old wife's tale that believes something in cork helps irritable legs....
So I go and scrounge around and put my stocking filled cork holder in with my legs...(which has previously worked for irritable legs)
Only to find that's not working....my mind then travells into this story and vivid imaging....
Now imagine this flashing before you....just like some old movie.....
Well I know why it's not working! This wife's tale was not made for opiate withdrawal.....im sure back when this was created they wore....
The women in long dresses living in the bush.....with those long aprons on....and the men with big hats....they rode the horses and they all lived in those log cabin homes built by their own hands....are you seeing this yet.....vivid images pass through my head.... They are in the times when they eat off those tin plates....and when men drank grog from a glass bottle....a little representative of today....but they had limited option to do this....no glasses as such like now....and I don't think the wife's even drank....children ran around....boys in their three quarter pants...with buttoned shirt, tucked in with braces attached to their pants....the girls in pretty long dresses, similar to their mothers....just miniature sizing....they all looked happy and content running through the bush like earth children...
Making their own fun and enjoyment....
Anyway....images moving quickly kly before my eyes of this short film.....
So....the corks don't work...
In those times....in the bush....they did not have todays range of pharmaceutical wares....some narration begins with these statements.....
So no withdrawal from the opiates....no relief from the corks....
The next short film begins.....flashes of the era in China of the opium trade...
And the darkness and lucrative opium trade war....
There power....money....and greed.... They actually didn't want to part with their opioids..
So no corks needed there.....
Images of gowned Asians...they gorgeous fabrics drapping their bodies leading to the ground...they were the heirachy....and better dressed..
Colours so vivid..
The hustle and bustle on the warves with the trades being shipped in....earthy basketware all around...and foreign language flowing through the air...
Secrative and lucrative meetings taking place....
This is how my night proceeded....day 5 going moving into day 6....where the he'll is the relief from this anguish.... This is all so unknown to me.....such a foreign and vivid visitor....
I can't stop the voices...images and awake with the leg buzzing....I go and soak them in Epsom salts in hope for a little relief..and tune into the letterman show...
So far away from my own recent history lesson of imagery.....the Colours...the graphics....the whole experience...
Our world is so far from what was just showing in my mind...
I wonder how that imagery even came about....
It's finally another day....the beam of sunshine did not wake me but the buzz and the agitation of my legs returned to remind me....
Never to take oxcycontin for my Fibromyalgia again....
Today I am thinking about me...again... And what has transpired the past week...I have had pain...tears...sweat...and agony...and agitation...
I have aggravated those I love...
Pushed them away....or drew people into my darkness...and complicated...uncomplicated situation...
Silly words...thoughts and actions.....
For that I am truly sorry....and for that I truly hate my fibromyalgia...and all it brings with it.....and the havoc and uncertainty it brings to my life...
Today is day 6 coming of my meds...
Here's hoping....with each new day these symptoms will lesson..
Keeping my fingers and toes crossed for better days to come....
F is for Fibromyalgia...
Fatigue....
Frightened....
Frazzled...
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