I had a feeling of anxiousness running within me....but persevere....found my way through the bathroom.....to truly begin today's venture....
As I'm preparing for my time away from my home...
Four walls...
Out with others....
Tears begin to flow..
I feel strange about going out....and am tired and so emotive...these feelings really suck!
I'm only going out for coffee.....but my mind wanders to here....
I will need to be near a toilet...as I'm still running there often....and this stomach cramping is still so painful....
I'm feeling exhausted and don't know how much walking I can do....
What if I legs start to buzz about again....
I'm still really feeling nauseaus....
I begin to push pass these ridiculous unwanted thoughts....
Don a pretty skirt and top....matching jellerey....
Finally hair and make up...
Feel like I should have a personal trowl like bricklayers....to smear that extra thickness of cover up upon this face....cover those extra wrinkles or lines that im sure wernt there a week ago..
To cover and hide the anxieties and sadness that I feel...
Well I'm finally prepared....still feeling uneasy....my joints are aching as my fibro visitor is just reminding me....he's hanging around in the background....
I feel angry...of how I feel....where this is all headed....and what may be in the future...
Never the less...
Ready to go out and about....
My daughter then tells me where going over to my other daughters...having lunch then going out....
Immediently....I feel my posture stiffen....hear my voice change...and crack..
I can't do this today....
Then by 5 pm have the energy to then go to my medical appointment....
I resign myself to another day within my four walls...
And I am at ease with this....
The challenge of an invisible disease is such....
People say things like....you look really good today.... Your looking great....gee I was just thinking how well you looked...
You're lost weight and look great....
And this is my most recent....which my insides twisted to...
You look fabulous....after your break....your holiday has really done you well...(from someone who has visited in hospital and knows me well)ggggrrrrr....
The inability to see...and understand....or have people to actively listen to what you are saying....is allways an uphill battle.
I lounge around....just me my thoughts...and music until my medical appointment...
Listening to James Blunt...Adele...Birdy and Angus and Julia stone....
Lirics go round and round in my head along with thoughts of my impending future...
I feel sad and mad all at once....and want to just flee my body...
I don't think my hubby signed up to be a carer....and it now appears that's becoming his role....not in the full sense but....he managed to work insane hrs to support us while I don't have the ability too...he wins fights the daily wars of any parent with teenagers....completes many tasks around the home....and still manages to watchover and provide a positive outlook on me....
He is a very positive soul...
So I'm sure right now I'm probably drowning his positives...as I drown in it myself..and feel some days I'm really...truelly sinking....as if the weights will not lift.... Then...
Other days...
The weights arnt nearly as bad.....and I'm here present and again me....but in a lot of Internal physical pain....I just want for this to stop!! I recently read....as I love to do.... That....the withdrawal from this medication would be 3-5 days.... And I'm still waiting....and working through the torment...day 8....and things just suck....
I've been awake half the night up and down....soaking these silly buzzing legs...
In hope for some relief...then decided just to make sure it would work...
Rubbed as much voltaren into them too....in hope it was extinguishing the bees from further buzzing and torment....I made a warm milk and honey....and snuggled up with my precious cat (milly) and watched a couple of Iron Chef re runs....
Love the chairman and his flamboyant....allways exited to see what coat he will be wearing for the episode....
Silly....but true...
I finally try laying back in my bed....I put the electric blanket on in hope the warmth on my legs will help...
I finally drift to another unknown place..
The images are bright....stark...and rapid...I know they are something but I don't remember when it shocks me into waking in a very agitated state....this process continues with my legs again beginning to buzz....
The night is lllooonnngggg....
I have made it through to. Day 8....
Will see what today brings...
One thing I know for sure is....I will not yet begin my new Fibromyalgia medication yet....my body and mind are not yet free of the oxcycontin....
Day 8....and I wish for strength....
F is for ....
Failure....
Which I feel like I am at the moment....
But....
I'm hoping F can also be for.....Future....Fantastic...
Fun....
And no more.....Fear......
And dearly wish to enter back into....and participate in life....
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